If This Is What You Think Love Is, You're Wrong
by liron-aria
Summary: In which Sam's anger carries though, and the end of 'Road Trip' goes a little bit differently.


A/N: This was inspired by a prompt on writeworld's tumblr, entitled "If this is what you think love is, you're wrong." I heard it in Sam's voice, and things went from there.

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. If I did, Sam would get a ton more screen time, meaningful relationships with other characters, and Jess. Jess would come back.

But that is neither here nor there, so please, sit back and enjoy!

* * *

"Get the Hell away from me."

"Sam, you're injured."

"Yeah, no shit," Sam groaned, glaring up at Dean and Cas through his pain, "Someone thought it would be a good idea to stick a bunch of 12-guage needles into my brain."

"Actually, they were -"

Dean cleared his throat and Cas fell silent.

The older Winchester stepped forward, reaching out to his brother. "Sam -"

"_I told you to get the Hell away from me_."

Sam jerked in his restraints, his eyes blazing with fury.

Dean hesitated, stricken, and Castiel pressed his hand to Sam's forehead, healing his wounds. The younger man tugged at his restraints again, his gaze never leaving Dean.

Dean swallowed. "Look, Sam, I get that you're angry -"

"I'm _furious_, Dean! How could you do this to me?!"

"I was trying to save your life, man -"

"I was _ready to die_, Dean!"

"And I couldn't let you do that! That's not in me, Sammy."

Sam waved Castiel off once the angel undid the restraints on his arm, working the rest of them by himself. He sneered, " 'That's not _in you_'? What, because you _love_ me?"

Dean reared back, stunned. "Of course! We're family, how could you think any different -"

Sam bolted out of his seat, kicking away the last restraints. "If this is what you think _love_ is, you're wrong."

Dean's breath caught in his throat, and he stared at Sam, aghast. How could Sam _say_ that -

"You _tricked_ me into saying yes to angel I didn't even know, and then you _lied_ to me about it _for months_. And now, _Kevin_ -"

"That's on me, Sam," Dean replied quickly, trying to regain his footing. "Kevin's blood is on my hands, and that ain't ever coming out."

Sam scoffed, clenching his fists. "Funny you should say that, since when I close my eyes, it's not _your_ hands I see killing Kevin." He could feel his nails scraping against the skin of his palms and he hoped they _bled_.

"Sam -"

Sam strode away, pushing past Dean as he headed for the door. "Get out of my way."

"Where do you think you're going?" Dean demanded.

Sam rounded on him, anger still singing in his veins. Anger was good, anger he could handle. "Somewhere not here, Dean!"

"Sam, come on, we are _family_ -"

"Family doesn't do what you did to me, Dean!" Sam looked at Dean, practically vibrating with hurt and angst and laughed bitterly. "You don't even get it, do you? Jesus, I've lived with you for nine years, and you really have no idea."

"So what are you saying, Sam?" Dean snapped back.

Sam's jaw clenched. "Do you remember Meg? Hell, do you remember _Lucifer_? Because I do. I remember being shoved down inside myself, to have no control over what my body did, to be _forced_ to do things I would never want, to feel _used_ - and you let another angel in me after all that!"

"Sam, I thought he was saving you," Dean protested, pleading, "I had no idea he would -"

"Dean you basically held me down while Gadreel raped me, _do you get that_?"

Dean's jaw worked as he tried to come up with a response, and Sam laughed helplessly. "And then _Crowley_, after everything he's done to us… But you know? That's not even the worst part."

Sam rubbed a hand over his face, feeling dampness on his fingertips, and prayed it was just sweat. He could feel the anger fading and the hurt rising, and he was going to break down if this kept up. "The worst part is that you _lied_, over and over again, to me for _months_. You let Gadreel _wipe my memory_. I'd have thought after the last time, you would -" Sam cut himself off, shaking his head. "But then, the last time, you were busy threatening to break my nose, so maybe you don't care."

"Sam -"

Dean's voice was raw, but Sam pushed on. If he didn't say this now, he might never get around to it, shoving it down inside himself and locking it away. "You lied to me, and let him take away so much of my mind that I thought I was hallucinating again. Do you remember that, Dean? Do you remember what hallucinating Lucifer did to me? Because I do. I remember going to a psych hospital, I remember nearly dying, and I remember being so _scared_, being unable to trust myself, but it was okay then because I had you, because you were Stone Number One, and you would tether me to reality. This time, I didn't even have that."

Sam shook his head, stepping back towards the door. "That's why I'm leaving Dean. Because I don't feel _safe_, right now, and I can't _trust_ you. And clearly, you don't even think I can be trusted with _myself_, so I need get out before this ends with me putting a bullet in my brain. Or in you."

"_Sammy, wait!"_

The door slammed shut behind Sam, echoing dully across the room. Dean spun on his heel towards Castiel, his expression distraught. "Cas…?"

_What have I done?!_

* * *

A/N: Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Please, let me know!

If anything in here stirs the need for discussion in you, shoot me a message. You can also find more of my thoughts on Sam Winchester on my tumblr (linked on my profile) under my Sam Winchester tag.


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